Steps to Righteous Parenting | Parenting the Way the Savior Would | How to Be More Patient

 A few weeks ago, I was invited to do an in-depth study on the talk, "Adorned with the Virtue of Temperance," By Elder Ulisses Soares in relation to parenting. I love how Elder Soares taught that “Temperance harmonizes and strengthens other Christlike attributes mentioned in this revelation: humility, faith, hope, charity, and the pure love that flows from Him.”

One of the new insights I got from studying Elder Soares’s talk the past few weeks is that temperance is not just about "stopping" a behavior; it is a proactive power. When you cultivate it, you gain a "serene strength" that allows you to remain calm, like when your children are struggling.

For me, I found that temperance comes in trying to live a Christlike life, so I have gathered here the righteous parenting principles that helped me parent the most, but the truest answer is any temperance we develop is a gift from God. 

You can see from how long my post is that becoming Christlike and righteous parenting are my two deepest desires, so I was grateful for the opportunity to study temperance.

1. Temperance and Humility

Elder Soares mentioned humility six times and charity seven times. He highlighted Doctrine and Covenants 12:8. It states, no one can assist in this work (including motherhood and fatherhood) unless they are "humble and full of love... being temperate in all things."

The Antidote to Pride:

• President Ezra Taft Benson: "The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness" (“Beware of Pride,” April 1989 Gen Conf). In parenting, you could ask for help to recognize when pride is impacting your parenting.

• Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf : “So how do we conquer this sin of pride that is so prevalent and so damaging? How do we become more humble? It is almost impossible to be lifted up in pride when our hearts are filled with charity. “No one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love.” When we see the world around us through the lens of the pure love of Christ, we begin to understand humility.”

• When we are filled with humility and charity, we stop seeing a child’s tantrum or mistake as frustrating, and instead we see a child of God who needs our guidance in learning.

• Dallin H. Oaks BYU 2026: We all need helpers to teach us humility. President Ezra Taft Benson gave us a great teaching about humility. He did this as part of his memorable teachings about pride. “The antidote for pride,” he taught, “is humility—meekness, submissiveness.” “Humility responds to God’s will—to the fear of His judgments and to the needs of those around us.” “Let us choose to be humble,” he pleaded. I add, look to the needs of others and humility follows.
• President Spencer W. Kimball defined humility as “teachableness.” He explained: “Humility is teachableness—an ability to realize that all virtues and abilities are not concentrated in one’s self. … Humility is never accusing nor contentious. … Humility is repentant and seeks not to justify its follies. It is forgiving of others in the realization that there may be errors of the same kind or worse [that we ourselves commit]. … Humility makes no bid for popularity and notoriety; demands no honors.”

2. Temperance and Charity 

No one can assist in this work unless they are "humble and full of love... being temperate in all things." When a parent feels frustrated, they can pray for charity in that moment.

Elder Soares: “A serene strength arises in [disciples], and they become better capable of restraining anger, nurturing patience, and treating others with tolerance, respect, and dignity, even when the winds of adversity blow fiercely.”

When a challenging moment happened, I found that when I focused on how much I love that child and paused in humility to ask for the Lord’s guidance in the moment, I reacted much better than just trying to have self-control. For example, I was in a seminary devotional one time about the Savior’s atonement, and I was thinking about how much self-control He had to not be angry with those who were causing his suffering. I had the spiritual insight that it was His love for each individual that enabled Him to endure the pain with love to those who were causing the pain.

So praying for charity and remembering that the "suffering" or sacrifice in being patient is for the joy of seeing your children become disciples of Christ, changed my internal emotions and let me come up with a better reaction to a situation.

“As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy! And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us.”

— President Russell M. Nelson, “Joy and Spiritual Survival,” October 2016 Gen Conf.

 

3. Temperance is a gift, not just something we develop

Nelson- Because the Savior, through His infinite Atonement, redeemed each of us from weakness, mistakes, and sin…you can rise above this world. As we strive to live the higher laws of Jesus Christ, our hearts and our very natures begin to change. The Savior lifts us above the pull of this fallen world by blessing us with greater charity, humility, generosity, kindness, self-discipline, peace, and rest.

Bednar- In wanting to develop more faith, more charity, or whatever the attribute might be, we need to understand they are not traits that we develop. Those are spiritual gifts. If I understand anything about spiritual gifts, we can receive them only if God trusts us to be in the right place at the right time, having been influenced by Him. Sometimes we want to have those gifts so we can flaunt them or so other people will think highly of us. That simply cannot be the reason. The reason we desire spiritual gifts should be to allow God to use us, to help us be in the right place at the right time, and to be the conduit to bless other people. And that ever-increasing purity of motive can only come through the strengthening power and grace of the Savior’s Atonement. We cannot do that without Him.

This is a surrender of what we want, when we want it, and how we want it. And in that submissiveness, which is one of the elements of meekness, we express to Him, “Make of me what you will.” Then the experiences come that teach us the lessons but for which we would never volunteer.

Principles for Righteous Parenting

1. Righteous Parenting: You can’t do it all - "What to Start and Stop"

It is impossible to be a perfect parent all at once. To refine your temperance, you could follow President Nelson’s counsel to seek personal revelation during your weekly efforts. He invited us to, "Pray to know what to stop doing and what to start doing." — President Russell M. Nelson, “Think Celestial!” October 2023 Gen Conf.

2. Righteous Parenting: Teaching the Doctrine (the “Why”) is more effective than discussing the behavior.

True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. --Boyd K. Packer, “Do Not Fear,” Gen. Conf., Apr 2004 - 

3. Righteous Parenting: Read from the Book of Mormon daily

Parts of this quote below have been quoted in General Conference at least 7 times which to me is a witness of how true it is. I first heard it when President Benson, quoted Pres. Marion G. Romney:

            I feel certain that if parents will read from the Book of Mormon regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein.  The spirit of contention will depart.  Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom.  Children will be more responsive and submissive to that counsel.  Righteousness will increase.  Faith, hope and charity-the pure love of Christ-will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy and happiness.

                                                            (Marion G. Romney, Gen. Conf. Apr. 1960 and 1980)

4. Righteous Parenting: taught in the Book of Mormon

One way we could improve our parenting is to read the Book of Mormon with a focus on “How could these verses apply to parenting? Here are three Book of Mormon teachings that impacted my parenting in a big way.

The first was when the Lord asked Nephi to build a boat. Nephi said that rather than building it after the manner of men, he went to the mount often and prayed to know how to build the boat. I think righteous parenting can be more challenging than building a boat, but the Lord can inspire us with what a particular child needs at a certain time.

1 Nephi 18 Nephi said:

1.      And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship.

2.      Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men. [This teaches we should seek parenting counsel in prayer, the scriptures, and General Conference as our primary parenting “podcasts.”]

3.      And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things.” [I learned that if I pray oft, the Lord would show me how to parent a particular child in a better way.]

The second Book of Mormon story that impacted my parenting came from an example of President Oaks’ teaching on “Good verses better or best.” When Alma the Younger was serving as both the chief judge and the high priest over the church, the people of the church "began to wax proud" because of their great riches and fine apparel. Their pride was a major hindrance to the Church.

Alma felt the best way he could help was to make time to try the power of the word of God and bear "pure testimony." So, in Alma chapter 4, Alma gave up being chief judge, QUOTE “And this he did that he himself might go forth among the people of Nephi, that he might preach the word of God unto them.” So, I try to continually pray and humbly ask the Lord what I need to give up [start doing or stop doing] to make my family my highest priority."

The third parenting lesson from the Book of Mormon is that the Lord’s mercy and His justice are both manifestations of His love. Even when the Lord’s justice brought hard things, it was out of love to teach His children true principles.

One of the practical parenting ideas that helped me a lot was when my husband and I would talk beforehand and determine which circumstances needed rules and what natural consequences would best help them learn, i.e., have a script before hand, so I don’t stress in the moment deciding the best way to handle it. Some natural consequences were too long term, so they couldn’t learn in the moment from the consequence, so we had to figure out a semi-natural consequence.)

 

5. Righteous Parenting: Pray Always

Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Nelson: It is mentally rigorous to strive to look unto Him in every thought.” By focusing our attention on Jesus Christ, all else around us—while still present—is viewed through our love for Him. Less important distractions fade.

Holland-RootsTech “I thought I prayed all the time, more or less. But the lesson was, ‘Pray more than you pray.’ However much you’ve prayed, pray more. And in however many places you’ve prayed, pray in more places. However many times during the day you pray, pray more times in the day. And it started to give meaning to me, an overwhelming meaning to me that … it was quite literal when God had said, ‘pray always.’”

Nelson- Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost. I plead with you to increase your spiritual capacity to receive revelation.

_________________________________    

 

Elder Soares: “As the Apostle Paul taught, they know that they can do all things through Christ, who strengthens them.” 

Proven Strategies on How to be a Better Parent - One of our Highest Responsibilities

 Think about how the world provides unlimited ways we can spend our time. But our relationship to God and the time we spend for our families are really our highest priorities. My prayer today is that Spirit of the Lord can be with each of us, so He can teach us how the Lord can help us with this.

When President Hickley was the prophet, they did a First Presidency letter teaching us that even though other activities might be good, we need to be more intentional on making time to help our families live the gospel.

They said: We call upon parents to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles. We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities. However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace our divinely-appointed duties.

So if we want to find lasting joy, the Lord is asking for our Best efforts, highest priority, and not permitting other things to displace the duties of families.

In our recent General Conference, our prophet, President Dallin H. Oaks talked about how

family-centered the gospel of Jesus Christ is. His talk is filled with counsel and the teachings that Jesus Christ is giving to us as parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and other family members. We live in the information age with more parenting advice, blogs, and podcasts than you could absorb in a year. Instead, ask yourself, what steps can I take to get my parenting advice from the Savior?

 President Dallin H. Oaks, The Family-Centered Gospel of Jesus Christ

As the Lord teaches us in Isaiah,

Seek ye the Lord For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways.

For example, one of the concerns that President Oaks mentioned is that in today’s society, parents have less influence on their children: QUOTE:

In today’s urban society, few members experience consistent family-centered activities. Urban living and modern transportation, organized entertainment, and high-speed communication have made it easy for youth to treat their homes as boardinghouses, where there is far less parental direction of their activities.

As parental influences diminish, Latter-day Saints still have a God-given responsibility to teach their children.

I have a personal testimony that Heavenly Father is anxious to send promptings on how we spend our time or how to help a child who is struggling because the Lord’s ways are higher. Here is one example of how God’s ways are higher than man’s ways.

One way the Lord helps us become better parents is through the counsel we receive in General Conference. I invite each of us to prayerfully study Pres. Oaks recent talk. For example, he taught:

Parents, single or married—and others, like grandparents, who fill that role for children—are the master teachers. The family circle is the ideal place to demonstrate and learn eternal values, and other essential lessons of life.

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is our ultimate role model. We will be blessed if we model our lives after His teachings and self-sacrifice. Following Christ and giving ourselves in service to one another is the best remedy for the selfishness and individualism that now seem to be so common.

Some may say, “But we have no time for any of that.” To find time to do what is truly worthwhile, many parents will find that they can turn their family on if they all turn their technologies off. And parents, remember, what those children really want for dinner is time with you.

President Oaks continues: Great blessings come to families if they pray together, kneeling night and morning to offer thanks for blessings and to pray over common concerns. Families are also blessed as they worship together in Church services and in other devotional settings. Family bonds are also strengthened by family stories, creating family traditions, and sharing sacred experiences.

For most years, my New Year’s goals revolved around being a better parent. There is a magic bullet for this.

Two of the biggest challenges parents face in raising children is first knowing how to effectively teach our children, including having our children follow our counsel, and second is helping our children treat each other with more kindness. One of my favorite parenting quotes that solves these 2 challenges isn’t found on a typical parenting blog. Rather, parts of it have been quoted in General Conference at least 7 times which to me is a witness of how true it is. It promises us that if we read the Book of Mormon, there will be less contention and our children will listen to our counsel.

I first heard it in 1986 when our prophet, President Benson, quoted Pres. Marion G. Romney
who said:

            I counsel you to make reading in the Book of Mormon a few minutes each day a lifelong practice....I feel certain that if parents will read from the Book of Mormon regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein.  The spirit of contention will depart.  Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom.  Children will be more responsive and submissive to that counsel.  Righteousness will increase.  Faith, hope and charity-the pure love of Christ-will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy and happiness.

                                                            (Marion G. Romney, Gen. Conf. Apr. 1960 and 1980)

So your magic bullet for parenting is read the Book of Mormon.

Multiple recent prophets have made great promises that come from reading the B of M daily.

Another way we could improve our parenting is to read the Book of Mormon with a focus on “How could these verses apply to parenting? Let me share two examples that impacted my parenting.

The first was when the Lord asked Nephi to build a boat. Nephi said that rather than building it after the manner of men, he went to the mount often and prayed to know how to build the boat. I think righteous parenting can be more challenging than building a boat, but the Lord can inspire us on what a particular child needs at a certain time.

1 Nephi 18 Nephi said “And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship. Now I, Nephi, did not wok the timbers after the manner which was learned by men. And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things.” I learned that if I pray oft, the Lord would show me how to parent in a better way.

The second Book of Mormon story that impacted my parenting came from an example of

“Good verses better or best.” When Alma the Younger was serving as both the chief judge and the high priest over the church, the people of the church "began to wax proud" because of their great riches and fine apparel. Their pride was a major hindrance to the Church. Alma felt the best way he could help was to make more time to try the power of the word of God and bear "pure testimony."

So in Alma chapter 4  Alma gave up being chief judge, QUOTE “And this he did that he himself might go forth among the people of Nephi, that he might preach the word of God unto them.” So, I try to continually pray and humbly ask the Lord what I need to give up to make my family my highest priority.

As President Oaks said, “Some may say, “But we have no time for things like family prayer & scriptures or other things the Lord might prompt us to do, but I learned that when I prayed often to know where to spend my time, I would get quiet promptings that became a great blessing to my family.

Pres. Nelson said a similar thing several times: He said If we will truly receive the Holy Ghost and learn to discern and understand His promptings, we will be guided in matters large & small.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2018/04/revelation-for-the-church-revelation-for-our-lives?lang=eng

In this last conference, Sister Browning taught how parents could use primary songs to teach our children the doctrine of Jesus Christ. ?

President Dallin H. Oaks once taught that “the singing of hymns is one of the best ways to learn the doctrine of the restored gospel.” Those words are true for all of us but are especially so for children. Primary music is one of God’s most tender tools for planting the seeds of testimony in the hearts of the Savior’s youngest disciples. Parents,

A prophet of the Lord, President Russell M. Nelson, taught: “[Music] can exert a continuing influence for good well beyond times when children are small. … [It] has [the] power to provide spiritual nourishment. It has healing power. It has [the] power to facilitate worship; it allows us to contemplate the [Savior’s] Atonement and the Restoration of the gospel with its saving principles and exalting ordinances. Music provides power for us to express prayerful thoughts and bear testimony of sacred truths.”

Some of us make the time to create playlists of music we enjoy. Could we strengthen our family’s testimonies by creating Playlists so they learn the newer primary songs that so beautifully teach the doctrine of Jesus Christ: Like the beautiful song, “Gethsemane” or these lyrics from ” I Will Walk With Jesus,”

I will trust in Jesus. I will hear His call.

He will never leave me, even when I fall.

Jesus gives me power, lifts and comforts me,

Helping me to live and grow eternally.

Chorus: As I walk with Jesus to my home above,

He will bless me with His Spirit and fill me with His love,

Change my heart forever and help me clearly see.

I will walk with Jesus, and He will walk with me.

Parenting in today’s world feels a lot like trying to build a boat for the first time, but I have seen many times in my personal life and bear witness that the Lord is anxious to open the windows of heaven and pour down blessings on our families when we make time to prayerfully ask for His help.

I am especially grateful for a testimony the through the atonement of our Savior we can receive the strength and help to do things beyond our own ability. “I feel my Savior’s love, and I am grateful that His gentleness enfolds me.”