A few weeks ago, I was invited to do an in-depth study on the talk, "Adorned with the Virtue of Temperance," By Elder Ulisses Soares in relation to parenting. I love how Elder Soares taught that “Temperance harmonizes and strengthens other Christlike attributes mentioned in this revelation: humility, faith, hope, charity, and the pure love that flows from Him.”
One of the new insights I got from studying Elder Soares’s talk the past few weeks is that temperance is not just about "stopping" a behavior; it is a proactive power. When you cultivate it, you gain a "serene strength" that allows you to remain calm, like when your children are struggling.
For me, I found that temperance comes in trying to live a Christlike life, so I have gathered here the righteous parenting principles that helped me parent the most, but the truest answer is any temperance we develop is a gift from God.
You can see from how long my post is that becoming Christlike and righteous parenting are my two deepest desires, so I was grateful for the opportunity to study temperance.
1. Temperance and Humility
Elder Soares mentioned humility six times and charity seven
times. He highlighted Doctrine and Covenants 12:8. It states, no one can assist
in this work (including motherhood and fatherhood) unless they are "humble
and full of love... being temperate in all things."
The Antidote to Pride:
- President Ezra Taft Benson: "The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness" (“Beware of Pride,” April 1989 Gen Conf). In parenting, you could ask for help to recognize when pride is impacting your parenting.
- Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf : “So how do we conquer this sin of pride that is so prevalent and so damaging? How do we become more humble? It is almost impossible to be lifted up in pride when our hearts are filled with charity. “No one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love.” When we see the world around us through the lens of the pure love of Christ, we begin to understand humility.”
- When we are filled with humility and charity, we stop seeing a child’s tantrum or mistake as frustrating, and instead we see a child of God who needs our guidance in learning.
- Dallin H. Oaks BYU 2026: We all need helpers to teach us humility. President Ezra Taft Benson gave us a great teaching about humility. He did this as part of his memorable teachings about pride. “The antidote for pride,” he taught, “is humility—meekness, submissiveness.” “Humility responds to God’s will—to the fear of His judgments and to the needs of those around us.” “Let us choose to be humble,” he pleaded. I add, look to the needs of others and humility follows.
- President Spencer W. Kimball defined humility as “teachableness.” He explained: “Humility is teachableness—an ability to realize that all virtues and abilities are not concentrated in one’s self. … Humility is never accusing nor contentious. … Humility is repentant and seeks not to justify its follies. It is forgiving of others in the realization that there may be errors of the same kind or worse [that we ourselves commit]. … Humility makes no bid for popularity and notoriety; demands no honors.”
2. Temperance and Charity
No one can assist in this work unless they are "humble and full of love... being temperate in all things." When a parent feels frustrated, they can pray for charity in that moment.
Elder Soares: “A serene strength arises in [disciples], and they become better capable of restraining anger, nurturing patience, and treating others with tolerance, respect, and dignity, even when the winds of adversity blow fiercely.”
When a challenging moment happened, I found that when I focused on how much I love that child and paused in humility to ask for the Lord’s guidance in the moment, I reacted much better than just trying to have self-control. For example, I was in a seminary devotional one time about the Savior’s atonement, and I was thinking about how much self-control He had to not be angry with those who were causing his suffering. I had the spiritual insight that it was His love for each individual that enabled Him to endure the pain with love to those who were causing the pain.
So praying for charity and remembering that the "suffering" or sacrifice in being patient is for the joy of seeing your children become disciples of Christ, changed my internal emotions and let me come up with a better reaction to a situation.
“As in all things, Jesus
Christ is our ultimate exemplar, “who for the joy that was set before him
endured the cross.” Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most
excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!
And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of
cleansing, healing, and strengthening us.”
— President Russell M. Nelson, “Joy and Spiritual Survival,” October 2016 Gen Conf.
3. Temperance is a gift, not just something we develop
Nelson- Because the Savior, through His infinite
Atonement, redeemed each of us from weakness, mistakes, and sin…you can rise
above this world. As we strive to live the higher laws of Jesus Christ, our
hearts and our very natures begin to change. The Savior lifts us
above the pull of this fallen world by blessing us with greater charity,
humility, generosity, kindness, self-discipline, peace, and rest.
Bednar- In wanting to develop more faith, more
charity, or whatever the attribute might be, we need to understand they are
not traits that we develop. Those are spiritual gifts. If I understand
anything about spiritual gifts, we can receive them only if God trusts us to be
in the right place at the right time, having been influenced by Him. Sometimes
we want to have those gifts so we can flaunt them or so other people will think
highly of us. That simply cannot be the reason. The reason we desire
spiritual gifts should be to allow God to use us, to help us be in the right
place at the right time, and to be the conduit to bless other people. And
that ever-increasing purity of motive can only come through the
strengthening power and grace of the Savior’s Atonement. We cannot do that
without Him.
This is a surrender of what we want, when we want it, and
how we want it. And in that submissiveness, which is one of the elements of
meekness, we express to Him, “Make of me what you will.” Then the experiences
come that teach us the lessons but for which we would never volunteer.
Principles for Righteous Parenting
1. Righteous Parenting: You can’t do it all - "What to Start and
Stop"
It is impossible to be a perfect parent all at once. To refine your temperance, you could follow President Nelson’s counsel to seek personal revelation during your weekly efforts. He invited us to, "Pray to know what to stop doing and what to start doing." — President Russell M. Nelson, “Think Celestial!” October 2023 Gen Conf.
2. Righteous Parenting: Teaching the Doctrine (the “Why”) is more effective than discussing the behavior.
True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. --Boyd K. Packer, “Do Not Fear,” Gen. Conf., Apr 2004 -
3. Righteous Parenting: Read from the Book of Mormon daily
Parts
of this quote below have been quoted in General Conference at least 7 times which to me is
a witness of how true it is. I first heard
it when President Benson, quoted Pres. Marion G. Romney:
I feel certain that if parents will
read from the Book of Mormon regularly, both by themselves and with their
children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all
who dwell therein. The spirit of
contention will depart. Parents will
counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and
submissive to that counsel.
Righteousness will increase.
Faith, hope and charity-the pure love of Christ-will abound in our homes
and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy and happiness.
(Marion
G. Romney, Gen. Conf. Apr. 1960 and 1980)
4. Righteous Parenting: taught in the Book of Mormon
One way we could improve our parenting is to read the Book of Mormon with a focus on “How could these verses apply to parenting? Here are three Book of Mormon teachings that impacted my parenting in a big way.
The first was when the Lord asked Nephi to build a boat. Nephi said that rather than building it after the manner of men, he went to the mount often and prayed to know how to build the boat. I think righteous parenting can be more challenging than building a boat, but the Lord can inspire us with what a particular child needs at a certain time.
1 Nephi 18 Nephi said:
1.
And the Lord did show me from time to time after what
manner I should work the timbers of the ship.
2.
Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner
which was learned by men. [This teaches we should seek parenting counsel in prayer,
the scriptures, and General Conference as our primary parenting “podcasts.”]
3. And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things.” [I learned that if I pray oft, the Lord would show me how to parent a particular child in a better way.]
The second Book of Mormon story that impacted my parenting came from an example of President Oaks’ teaching on “Good verses better or best.” When Alma the Younger was serving as both the chief judge and the high priest over the church, the people of the church "began to wax proud" because of their great riches and fine apparel. Their pride was a major hindrance to the Church.
Alma felt the best way he could help was to make time to try the power of the word of God and bear "pure testimony." So, in Alma chapter 4, Alma gave up being chief judge, QUOTE “And this he did that he himself might go forth among the people of Nephi, that he might preach the word of God unto them.” So, I try to continually pray and humbly ask the Lord what I need to give up [start doing or stop doing] to make my family my highest priority."
The third parenting lesson from the Book of Mormon is that the Lord’s mercy and His justice are both manifestations of His love. Even when the Lord’s justice brought hard things, it was out of love to teach His children true principles.
One of the practical parenting ideas that helped me a lot
was when my husband and I would talk beforehand and determine which circumstances
needed rules and what natural consequences would best help them learn, i.e.,
have a script before hand, so I don’t stress in the moment deciding the best
way to handle it. Some natural consequences were too long term, so they couldn’t learn
in the moment from the consequence, so we had to figure out a semi-natural
consequence.)
5. Righteous Parenting: Pray Always
Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Nelson: It is mentally rigorous to strive to look unto Him in every thought.” By focusing our attention on Jesus Christ, all else around us—while still present—is viewed through our love for Him. Less important distractions fade.
Holland-RootsTech “I thought I prayed all the time, more or less. But the lesson was, ‘Pray more than you pray.’ However much you’ve prayed, pray more. And in however many places you’ve prayed, pray in more places. However many times during the day you pray, pray more times in the day. And it started to give meaning to me, an overwhelming meaning to me that … it was quite literal when God had said, ‘pray always.’”
Nelson- Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost. I plead with you to increase your spiritual capacity to receive revelation.
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Elder Soares: “As the Apostle Paul taught, they
know that they can do all things through Christ, who strengthens them.”
