What the Prophets have Said about Hanging Out, Dating and Kissing

As parents, we are trying to give our teenagers the best guidance we can. One area that often brings a lot of discussion is hanging out, dating and affection and how much is O.K. Over the years we have studied what the prophets and apostles have said on this topic and put together these quotes so we can share them with our children.

WHY STAY MORALLY CLEAN?
1. “Truly, you are a chosen generation. Peter speaks of “an holy nation,” [and] Peter’s final description—“a peculiar people.”  Of course you are peculiar. If the world continues its present trend, and if you walk in obedience to the doctrines and principles of this church, you may become even more peculiar in the eyes of others.”       

             Gordon B. Hinckley, “This Favored Season,” Liahona, Sep 1995 

 2. “Lehi’s dream or vision of the iron rod has in it everything a young Latter-day Saint needs to understand the test of life. The great and spacious building was filled with people pointing their fingers towards those who had come at and were partaking of the fruit. One word in this dream or vision should have special meaning to you. The word is after. It was after the people had found the tree that they became ashamed, and because of the mockery of the world they fell away.”      Boyd K. Packer, “Lehi’s Dream and You”, Jan 2007

3. “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty.  One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for spirits to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other.  Within the sacred covenant of marriage, such relationships are according to His plan. When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm. Even though participants do not realize that is happening now, they will later.”
        Richard G. Scott, “Serious Questions, Serious Answers,” New Era, Oct 1995

4.  “And now just a word on the most common and most difficult of all problems for you young men and young women to handle. It is the relationship that you have one with another. You are dealing with the most powerful of human instincts. Only the will to live possibly exceeds it.  The Lord has made us attractive one to another for a great purpose. But this very attraction becomes as a powder keg unless it is kept under control. It is beautiful when handled in the right way. It is deadly if it gets out of hand.”
              Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Prophet’s Counsel and Prayer for Youth,” Ensign, Jan. 2001

IS IT O.K. TO STEADY DATE IN HIGH SCHOOL/ BEFORE A MISSION?

1. “Avoid steady dating with a young man prior to the time of his mission call. If your relationship with him is more casual, then he can make that decision to serve more easily and also can concentrate his full energies on his missionary work instead of the girlfriend back home. And after he returns honorably from his mission, he will be a better husband and father and priesthood holder, having first served a full-time mission.”

                    Ezra Taft Benson, “To the Young Women of the Church,” Ensign, Nov. 1986

2. “God has planted in you, for a purpose, a divine urge which may be easily subverted to evil and destructive ends. When you are young, do not get involved in steady dating. When you reach an age where you think of marriage, then is the time to become so involved. But you boys who are in high school don’t need this, and neither do the girls.  Have a wonderful time with the young women. Do things together, but do not get too serious too soon. You have missions ahead of you, and you cannot afford to compromise this great opportunity and responsibility.”       
             Gordon B. Hinckley, “Some Thoughts on Temples & Missionary Service,” Ens Nov. 1997

3. “If you are old enough to date, you are old enough to know that your parents have not only the right but the sacred obligation, and they are under counsel from the leaders of the Church, to concern themselves with your dating habits. If you are mature enough to date, you are mature enough to accept without childish, juvenile argument their authority as parents to set rules of conduct for you.

“When are you old enough? Maturity may vary from individual to individual, but we are convinced that dating should not even begin until you are 16. And then, ideal dating is on a group basis. Stay in group activities; don’t pair off. Avoid steady dating. Steady dating is courtship, and surely the beginning of courtship ought to be delayed until you have emerged from your teens.

“How foolish is the youth who feels that the Church is a fence around love to keep him out. Oh, youth, if you could know! The requirements of the Church are the highway to love and to happiness, with guardrails securely in place, with guideposts plainly marked, and with help along the way.“              
                  Boyd K. Packer, “You’re in the Driver’s Seat,” New Era, June 2004

4. “The Lord has made us attractive one to another for a great purpose. But this very attraction becomes as a powder keg unless it is kept under control. It is beautiful when handled in the right way. It is deadly if it gets out of hand.  It is for this reason that the Church counsels against early dating. This rule is not designed to hurt you in any way. It is designed to help you, and it will do so if you will observe it.
“Steady dating at an early age leads so often to tragedy. Studies have shown that the longer a boy and girl date one another, the more likely they are to get into trouble.  It is better, my friends, to date a variety of companions until you are ready to marry. Have a wonderful time, but stay away from familiarity. Keep your hands to yourself. It may not be easy, but it is possible.”
                        Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Prophet’s Counsel and Prayer for Youth,” Ensign, Jan. 2001

HANGING OUT


1. “Many LDS teens are moving away from the traditional date and instead they are just hanging out—getting together informally and doing whatever—usually watching TV or a movie or talking. The words we use to describe associating with people of the opposite sex may change, and the trends in socializing may change, but principles and guidelines for our behavior stay the same.

“Don’t play with definitions. Some LDS teens think it’s okay to pair off exclusively with one person before they are 16 because they call it hanging out instead of dating. It’s still spending time alone with one person. If you pair off, the attractions and emotions you will feel toward that person are the same whether you call it dating, going out, going steady, or hanging out.

“Church leaders have given us wise counsel to help us deal with these attractions and emotions in For the Strength of Youth. Let’s look at some of the counsel they have given for dating, and see how it applies to hanging out.

“Do not date until you are at least 16 years old. Dating before then can lead to immorality, limit the number of other young people you meet, and deprive you of experiences that will help you choose an eternal partner.” The same can be said for hanging out with one person a lot.

“Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person.” A major reason for that advice is to avoid spending too much time with one person, which is exactly what hanging out often leads to. “                  
                  “Q&A: Questions and Answers,” New Era, Apr 2002

KISSING

1. In any healthy, long-lasting relationship, affection is an essential element—not as an end in itself, but as an expression of genuine feeling. Speaking of affection in courtship, President Spencer W. Kimball has described an appropriate courtship kiss as “like the kiss between a mother and a son or a daughter and a father.” 

              Spencer W. Kimball, In Sydney Australia Area Conference Report, 29 Feb. 1976

2. Satan tempts one to believe that there are allowable levels of physical contact between consenting individuals who seek the powerful stimulation of emotions they produce, and if kept within bounds, no harm will result. As a witness of Jesus Christ, I testify that is absolutely false. When you are mature enough to plan seriously for marriage, keep your expressions of feelings to those that are comfortable in the presence of your parents.
                     Richard G. Scott, “Serious Questions, Serious Answers,” New Era, Oct 1995

3. “What is miscalled the soul kiss is an abomination and stirs passion that results in the eventual loss of virtue. Even if timely courtship justifies a kiss, it should be a clean, decent, sexless one. … If the soul kiss with its passion were eliminated from dating, there would be an immediate upswing in chastity and honor.  With the absence of the soul kiss, necking would be greatly reduced. Its younger sister, petting, would be totally eliminated. Both are abominations of their own right and kind.”
            Spencer W. Kimball, Sydney Australia Area Conference, 29 Feb. 1976

HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?


1. “They always tell us we shouldn’t become sexually involved, but they never tell us the limits. What are they?  Any sexual intimacy outside of the bonds of marriage—I mean any intentional contact with the sacred, private parts of another’s body, with or without clothing—is a sin and is forbidden by God. It is also a transgression to intentionally stimulate these emotions within your own body.

2. “Satan tempts one to believe that there are allowable levels of physical contact between consenting individuals who seek the powerful stimulation of emotions they produce, and if kept within bounds, no harm will result. As a witness of Jesus Christ, I testify that is absolutely false.  When you are mature enough to plan seriously for marriage, keep your expressions of feelings to those that are comfortable in the presence of your parents.”                                       Richard G. Scott, “Serious Questions, Serious Answers,” New Era, Oct 1995

3. Necking and Petting: “Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, pregnancy, and abortions—all ugly sins—but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils”

 “In interviewing repenting young folks, as well as some older ones, I am frequently told that the couple met their defeat in the dark, at late hours, in secluded areas. … The car was most often the confessed seat of the difficulty”
                   Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 225